wake up, put a smile on your face and make it through the day.

It really is amazing how your memory works sometimes. How that certain smell in the air, a song on the radio, a catch phrase that was used so often, the slightest touch or an old picture/video can seem to bring back that sharp stinging pain that has led you to be broken and bruised.

Heartbreak. Probably one of the worst, indescribable pains there is out there. The heart is easily broken, yet so difficult to put back together.

So this is my blog to you. Though you may never read this. I need to clear my head and put this down in writing somewhere. So here goes...

It's been a while. Definitely longer than I would have ever thought it would be. Yet, in the end, no matter how much I try and convince myself that I'm all better, that I'm fixed, that I'm not longer shattered and broken because of you - I realize that I'm lying to myself. I'm still broken. I'm still trying to figure out how to put my heart back together to the way it was before. But I know now - I know that I will never be the same again, but I can only be a better me, a new me - a me that I put back together by myself with bandages and super glue. A me that will never let you back in to rip off these bandages and melt the glue that is holding me together. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for everything that happened, thinking that I just wasn't good enough. But as more time passes, I realize that blaming myself is getting me no where. So I have accepted what has happened and in time, my wounds will heal. I don't need you in my life to heal these wounds anymore. Because I'm good without you. Thinking about what should have been, could have been or would have been is just a waste of my time at this point. I don't need you. We did create good memories together - but in the end, those memories will fade and only be replaced with the bad ones. And I can only hope that with more time, the bad ones will slowly fade. I can only wish that when that smell in the air comes around, that song on the radio comes on, that phrase that you and I said so often,is heard that slight touch or that picture/video comes around, that I'll be reminded of you, remember how I put myself back together again, became a stronger person alone, smile and go about the rest of my day without ever having to remember any of the pain. No more pain. No more tears. You are undeserving of doing any of that to me.. ever again. But until then, I'll wake up, slap a smile on my face and make it through another day. Time will continue to pass and my wounds will slowly heal - and I can only look forward to that day.

a much needed update.

I have been good. I've been relatively a little more motivated to actually make some major dents on my goals list and I actually did this time. I'm pretty proud of myself. :) So here goes.

2. Buy myself a new pocket-size digital camera

Oh, this I did. I spent a lot of time researching different types of pocket-size cameras for myself, since the one I had bought about 4 years ago is a complete mess now. It has been dropped several times, mainly due to too many drunken nights. That's okay though - it left me with memories. However, that camera is not going away, it will be used solely for nights that I'm sure it will meet the floor. Either way, I was due for a new camera... so after some research and talking to my dad (who is a camera genius), we decided on the Canon S90. Oh yes, BEST purchase ever. It is literally like a mini version of my SLR (that I'm still learning to use, haha). This little camera is portable, takes great quality pictures, has a lot of functions to play around with and was well worth the money I spent on it. That, and my aunt helped me pay for a little bit of it as my birthday present. I got a little lucky. :)
6. Eat at Serendipity (in New York) - NOW LAS VEGAS!

So originally, when I made this goal, all I wanted to do was try a Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity in New York. Probably because of that horrible movie Serendipity, that came out back in the day. Anyway, I knew they were opening up one in Vegas. I had tried several times to go there in the past - but failed each time. It was never open! Either way, I went this past weekend while I was in Sin City, and it was finally open! Yay! After reading the menu and history on the place, it is the same exact thing, they just only have a few locations. Not quite sure why I thought any different. Either way, I decided to change the goal to just eating at Serendipity in general.. since it's the same stuff. Oh, and it was deeeelicious! Peace. Love. Serendipity.



29. Eat at a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant

This was by far one of my most exciting goals. Good food? Yes, please! So as a 5 times celebration dinner with my family, we decided to go all out and splurge on a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant, Joel Robuchon. And holy crap, it was mighty delicious. I have been to 1 and 2 Michelin Stars restaurants before, but never a 3. It was quite the experience. We did a 5 time celebration dinner for this one (my parents' anniversary - 31 years, my 25th birthday, my brother's 30th birthday, and then Mother's Day for my momma and Elaine). It was quite the meal. Unfortunately, we had to split up the days we had dinner, since we brought the little munchkin Cara with us. So I had dinner Friday night with my brother and Elaine while my parents had their little anniversary dinner the following night. It was a little sad that we didn't get to all each together, but still, definitely an experience of a lifetime. I can only hope to make enough money to keep splurging on great meals like this.

So we decided hell, we were at a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant! How often does this happen? We splurged and got the 16 Course Taster Menu. Yes, I said it - 16 courses! BAM! BRING IT ON. I think I spoke too soon though. After about course 5 or 6.. I was about to explode. My stomach just can't handle that much food. FAIL. However, you have to do what you have to do when you're in a position like that. So what did I do? Kept on eating. I'm a champ. 16 courses down and a glass of wine. I felt pleasantly disgusting after I finished. Being that full should not be legal. Besides the fullness part, the food was great - combination of flavors were creative, presentation of food was amazing, service was outstanding, and well, it was just great. I was pretty happy birthday girl at the end of the meal. Although, all that food intake did make me go a little loopy during the gambling session we had afterward. Ah well, can't win everything.



30. Go to Magic Mountain

I don't think I've gone to Six Flags Magic Mountain since the original X came out - back when I was in high school still? Either way, it's been a while. The day after Christie's birthday celebration, the girls and I all decided that we wanted to ride RIDES. Real rides, big girl rides. So we did. Amazingly, none of us were really hungover from the night before - that had to be a sign right? Sunday late morning rolled around, and the 6 of us - Carol, Jenny, Nik, Cee, Jason and I all headed to MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN! We got to the park around 1pm and only lasted until about 6pm before we all wanted to die. Even with all the heat and craziness of rides, I still had a good time, an exhausting good time. We rode X2, which I seriously thought could not be any different than the original X. I was wrong, oh so very wrong. It was horrible. I mean, it was good... but it was scary. I have never felt sick or had my hands tremble after a rollercoaster in my life. X2? Yeah. Things changed. I did not get to ride Tatsu. I always seem to miss out on that one. Hopefully one day. So Cee's post birthday bash celebration at Six Flags accomplished another one on my goals list. Thanks Cee!
61. Get rid of bad juju - old residual things

Well, this has a long story to it, that for those that know me, know exactly what I'm talking about. For those that don't know? Well, it's better that you probably don't know. Either way, this has been a long time coming. I have waited several years to finally get rid of some of the mistakes that I have made in the past. It's definitely been a long time. I have paid for mistakes made when I was young for a very long time, and finally, the last of it is finally on its way out of my life. It's been a long time, a horrible way to have a lesson learned - but definitely was a lesson learned. It's crazy that no matter all the mistakes you make in your life, regardless of how stupidly enormous they are or the amount of mistakes one person can make with a few decisions, family seems to always be there. With the things that I have done, I am lucky to have a loving and supportive family. Through everything - they were there to help me, guide me back to the path that I was meant to walk on and pick up the pieces when other people shatter them. I have the best family in the world. While I'm being all sentimental and mushy, with this goal of getting rid of old residual things - besides my family, I would have to take my best friend into this one too. Well, she is pretty much family anyway.
Carol Lee - You were there through all my mistakes, watched me make them, gave me your opinion but let me go my own way, and even though you might not have agreed with my decisions at the time, you were always there for me. I love you for that. I am lucky to have you as my friend. For sure, you were a huge part of the reason that I was able to find all the the scattered pieces in putting myself back together.
Enough of that crap now. So yes, old residual things are all on its way out of my life! GOODBYE BAD JUJU! :) Oh, and in case you were wondering, I didn't murder anyone or anything crazy along those lines. Geez.


That's all the updates that have been going on. Now to do more damage on my list! :)