wake up, put a smile on your face and make it through the day.

It really is amazing how your memory works sometimes. How that certain smell in the air, a song on the radio, a catch phrase that was used so often, the slightest touch or an old picture/video can seem to bring back that sharp stinging pain that has led you to be broken and bruised.

Heartbreak. Probably one of the worst, indescribable pains there is out there. The heart is easily broken, yet so difficult to put back together.

So this is my blog to you. Though you may never read this. I need to clear my head and put this down in writing somewhere. So here goes...

It's been a while. Definitely longer than I would have ever thought it would be. Yet, in the end, no matter how much I try and convince myself that I'm all better, that I'm fixed, that I'm not longer shattered and broken because of you - I realize that I'm lying to myself. I'm still broken. I'm still trying to figure out how to put my heart back together to the way it was before. But I know now - I know that I will never be the same again, but I can only be a better me, a new me - a me that I put back together by myself with bandages and super glue. A me that will never let you back in to rip off these bandages and melt the glue that is holding me together. I spent a lot of time blaming myself for everything that happened, thinking that I just wasn't good enough. But as more time passes, I realize that blaming myself is getting me no where. So I have accepted what has happened and in time, my wounds will heal. I don't need you in my life to heal these wounds anymore. Because I'm good without you. Thinking about what should have been, could have been or would have been is just a waste of my time at this point. I don't need you. We did create good memories together - but in the end, those memories will fade and only be replaced with the bad ones. And I can only hope that with more time, the bad ones will slowly fade. I can only wish that when that smell in the air comes around, that song on the radio comes on, that phrase that you and I said so often,is heard that slight touch or that picture/video comes around, that I'll be reminded of you, remember how I put myself back together again, became a stronger person alone, smile and go about the rest of my day without ever having to remember any of the pain. No more pain. No more tears. You are undeserving of doing any of that to me.. ever again. But until then, I'll wake up, slap a smile on my face and make it through another day. Time will continue to pass and my wounds will slowly heal - and I can only look forward to that day.

a much needed update.

I have been good. I've been relatively a little more motivated to actually make some major dents on my goals list and I actually did this time. I'm pretty proud of myself. :) So here goes.

2. Buy myself a new pocket-size digital camera

Oh, this I did. I spent a lot of time researching different types of pocket-size cameras for myself, since the one I had bought about 4 years ago is a complete mess now. It has been dropped several times, mainly due to too many drunken nights. That's okay though - it left me with memories. However, that camera is not going away, it will be used solely for nights that I'm sure it will meet the floor. Either way, I was due for a new camera... so after some research and talking to my dad (who is a camera genius), we decided on the Canon S90. Oh yes, BEST purchase ever. It is literally like a mini version of my SLR (that I'm still learning to use, haha). This little camera is portable, takes great quality pictures, has a lot of functions to play around with and was well worth the money I spent on it. That, and my aunt helped me pay for a little bit of it as my birthday present. I got a little lucky. :)
6. Eat at Serendipity (in New York) - NOW LAS VEGAS!

So originally, when I made this goal, all I wanted to do was try a Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity in New York. Probably because of that horrible movie Serendipity, that came out back in the day. Anyway, I knew they were opening up one in Vegas. I had tried several times to go there in the past - but failed each time. It was never open! Either way, I went this past weekend while I was in Sin City, and it was finally open! Yay! After reading the menu and history on the place, it is the same exact thing, they just only have a few locations. Not quite sure why I thought any different. Either way, I decided to change the goal to just eating at Serendipity in general.. since it's the same stuff. Oh, and it was deeeelicious! Peace. Love. Serendipity.



29. Eat at a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant

This was by far one of my most exciting goals. Good food? Yes, please! So as a 5 times celebration dinner with my family, we decided to go all out and splurge on a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant, Joel Robuchon. And holy crap, it was mighty delicious. I have been to 1 and 2 Michelin Stars restaurants before, but never a 3. It was quite the experience. We did a 5 time celebration dinner for this one (my parents' anniversary - 31 years, my 25th birthday, my brother's 30th birthday, and then Mother's Day for my momma and Elaine). It was quite the meal. Unfortunately, we had to split up the days we had dinner, since we brought the little munchkin Cara with us. So I had dinner Friday night with my brother and Elaine while my parents had their little anniversary dinner the following night. It was a little sad that we didn't get to all each together, but still, definitely an experience of a lifetime. I can only hope to make enough money to keep splurging on great meals like this.

So we decided hell, we were at a 3 Michelin Star Restaurant! How often does this happen? We splurged and got the 16 Course Taster Menu. Yes, I said it - 16 courses! BAM! BRING IT ON. I think I spoke too soon though. After about course 5 or 6.. I was about to explode. My stomach just can't handle that much food. FAIL. However, you have to do what you have to do when you're in a position like that. So what did I do? Kept on eating. I'm a champ. 16 courses down and a glass of wine. I felt pleasantly disgusting after I finished. Being that full should not be legal. Besides the fullness part, the food was great - combination of flavors were creative, presentation of food was amazing, service was outstanding, and well, it was just great. I was pretty happy birthday girl at the end of the meal. Although, all that food intake did make me go a little loopy during the gambling session we had afterward. Ah well, can't win everything.



30. Go to Magic Mountain

I don't think I've gone to Six Flags Magic Mountain since the original X came out - back when I was in high school still? Either way, it's been a while. The day after Christie's birthday celebration, the girls and I all decided that we wanted to ride RIDES. Real rides, big girl rides. So we did. Amazingly, none of us were really hungover from the night before - that had to be a sign right? Sunday late morning rolled around, and the 6 of us - Carol, Jenny, Nik, Cee, Jason and I all headed to MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN! We got to the park around 1pm and only lasted until about 6pm before we all wanted to die. Even with all the heat and craziness of rides, I still had a good time, an exhausting good time. We rode X2, which I seriously thought could not be any different than the original X. I was wrong, oh so very wrong. It was horrible. I mean, it was good... but it was scary. I have never felt sick or had my hands tremble after a rollercoaster in my life. X2? Yeah. Things changed. I did not get to ride Tatsu. I always seem to miss out on that one. Hopefully one day. So Cee's post birthday bash celebration at Six Flags accomplished another one on my goals list. Thanks Cee!
61. Get rid of bad juju - old residual things

Well, this has a long story to it, that for those that know me, know exactly what I'm talking about. For those that don't know? Well, it's better that you probably don't know. Either way, this has been a long time coming. I have waited several years to finally get rid of some of the mistakes that I have made in the past. It's definitely been a long time. I have paid for mistakes made when I was young for a very long time, and finally, the last of it is finally on its way out of my life. It's been a long time, a horrible way to have a lesson learned - but definitely was a lesson learned. It's crazy that no matter all the mistakes you make in your life, regardless of how stupidly enormous they are or the amount of mistakes one person can make with a few decisions, family seems to always be there. With the things that I have done, I am lucky to have a loving and supportive family. Through everything - they were there to help me, guide me back to the path that I was meant to walk on and pick up the pieces when other people shatter them. I have the best family in the world. While I'm being all sentimental and mushy, with this goal of getting rid of old residual things - besides my family, I would have to take my best friend into this one too. Well, she is pretty much family anyway.
Carol Lee - You were there through all my mistakes, watched me make them, gave me your opinion but let me go my own way, and even though you might not have agreed with my decisions at the time, you were always there for me. I love you for that. I am lucky to have you as my friend. For sure, you were a huge part of the reason that I was able to find all the the scattered pieces in putting myself back together.
Enough of that crap now. So yes, old residual things are all on its way out of my life! GOODBYE BAD JUJU! :) Oh, and in case you were wondering, I didn't murder anyone or anything crazy along those lines. Geez.


That's all the updates that have been going on. Now to do more damage on my list! :)

hello accomplishments!

I'm getting pretty pumped for my Goals List. I just want to finish them all now! Although, some will take longer than others. Either way, here are some of the things that I've completed! Yay!

27. Move out!

Finally! About two weeks ago, I finally moved into my apartment and I LOVE it. I have two fabulous roommates, although one hasn't moved in quite yet, she's getting there. Our apartment is huge and I love my room, especially my closet! :) It's nice to finally be able to have a place to call my own. Plus, our pool is fabulous! It was a little weird the first few nights, just being away from home and my family, but it's definitely better now. It's nice to know that I still live fairly close to home, so I can go home whenever I want. That, I love also.


50. Take a class at the gym

Yes. Class turned into CLASSES! This past weekend, my sister-in-law, Elaine and I went to the 24-Hour Fitness in Chino Hills and went to not one, but TWO classes. Yes, two. We went to the Step Jam 24 class on Saturday morning at 10am. It was surprisingly packed. What a workout too! I think I overdid myself a little bit. This was technically supposed to be my "active recovery" day from working out. I didn't think the class would be too bad, so I put two steps on mine. I looked around the room before class started and realized only one other person had two steps. I got a little bit nervous, but figured, hey, what the heck. About 10 minutes into class, I looked over at Elaine and said, "Never again will I use 2 steps!" Holy crap, that class is a wee bit more challenging than I was expecting. Plus, the whole coordination thing? Yeah, need to work on that. But still, fun times with the sis-in-law. Anyway, after Saturday's class, Elaine and I definitely wanted to try Turbo Kickboxing on Sunday at 8:30am. And that, we did. We both figured an 8:30am class on Sunday morning would be empty. Was it? Hell no. It was more packed than the step class on Saturday. I guess people just love this class. I definitely saw why about 2 minutes into the class. Turbo Kickboxing is like regular kickboxing on crack! It is some intense stuff. Although, I must say, great class and a great workout. I want to go back again! I love it!

52. Clean my closet and donate all old clothes and shoes

I guess this has been one thing that I have been putting off for ummmmm, months. I have definitely procrastinated with this for several reasons. 1. I don't like parting ways with old clothes and shoes and I like to convince myself that yes, I will wear these again some day. 2. I get lazy and I have a lot of clothes and shoes. Either way, with the whole moving thing, I had to go through all my clothes and shoes to see what I wanted to bring to the apartment. With that, I figured, I might as well go through all of my old clothes and shoes while I'm at it, and donate things. It took a long time, a few days actually, for me to figure out what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to donate. However, after many hours contemplating if I would really wear this shirt or those shoes again, I finally gave a lot of my clothes away and some shoes away. There are shoes that are in the garage on the racks that I haven't gone through, but hey, the goal was "in my closet," which is now complete. :)


60. Spend a lot of time with my niece

This is a ridiculously easy goal. Even though I still have like 2 years to finish this goal, it is not difficult at all. I see my niece, Cara, about 3-4 times a week. How can I not? She is the most adorable thing in the world and I can't get enough of her! You may call it pathetic, but it's not to me. If I don't see Cara for two days, I start to terribly miss her and I have to see her. So I will. Either my brother will bring Cara somewhere or I'll go over to their place to visit her and play with her for a little bit. Cara always brightens up my day with her little chubby cheeks and her big ol' eyes. I can't wait until she gets older and can actually start walking and talking. She is finally starting to get some reaction towards thing, like laughing and smiling. It's adorable. It's going to be so exciting when it is consistent. I can't wait! I love my little niece.

here is a little collage of a few of my favorites of my little one, cara.

So that would be the most recent accomplished goals. Hopefully the list will be done before the full 1,001 days! I'm being too optimistic, I know.

ready. set . jump.

I want to be the little yellow guy. I want to be hardcore.
I will be the little yellow dude.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
I hope this is true.

Either way. It's time. It's been long enough.

Ready. Set. Jump.
...and never look back.
.i hope.

tribute to my max-oh.

"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his."

I can still remember the first time I saw him. I was 13 years old and excited beyond belief that my parents had finally agreed that I could get a dog! I had waited a long week for the weekend to come so I could go to the local pound and find my puppy. It was a Saturday afternoon, and I went to the Human Society, practically running to the puppy kennels. I can still remember the smell of the kennels, that doggy smell, just like at the pet store, but better. I was too excited for my own good. I walked up and down the aisles of the different kennels, looking for the perfect dog. I couldn't find the one though. All the puppies and older dogs were so cute, but I didn't see the one that I really wanted. Then I walked to a kennel with a sign that said, "Dogs in this kennel are sick. Please do not touch." I remember my mom telling me, "Maybe you shouldn't get a dog from there. They're already sick and it's probably not a good idea. Look at other ones." I shrugged off what she said and looked anyway. Then I saw him, in the back the kennel was this cute little 6 month year old puppy, a Rottweiler and German Shepherd mix. He was sitting at the back of the kennel, didn't even come up to the fence. He sat there and starred at me with these sad puppy eyes. I fell in love in an instant and thought to myself, he's the one.

Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened after that. I adopted him and took him home 3 days later. I named him Max. What? I was 13 and not that creative okay? Well, Max turned into plenty of names, Maxie, Maxwell, Maxie Pad, Maximous and my all-time favorite, Max-Oh. I got a great 11 years with my Max-Oh. 11 years filled with oopsies on the carpets, naps by the piano while I practiced, long walks, toilet paper dragging, door scratching, stair sitting, nose butting, cat-like habits, screen breaking, hole digging, kisses, laughs and tears. 11 years that went by all too fast.

It's been a little over 4 months since my family and I had to put Max-Oh down. I miss him a little more every day. Going home isn't the same without this crazy guy barking his heart out and wagging his tail in circles when I walk through the door. I miss him. The only male in my life who never disappointed or judged me in any way for 11 years. Now that's unconditional love.

Max-Oh, you will always have my heart. I hope you are enjoying doggy heaven. I'm sure it's filled with all the goodness that makes you go circle tail wagging happy. Miss you.

Shut up. I believe in doggy heaven okay? If you haven't watched All Dogs Go To Heaven... you really should, because it's true.

... a few steps forward ...

So here is a small update on the past few weeks that I have failed to log into this blog crap and update anything that has been happening in my life. MAJOR FAIL. Well, in the past few weeks, I have managed to accomplish a few of my goals on my list. So here we go!

#18. Watch the sunrise

This was probably one of the most major failures in life on how to actually complete this goal. But hey, a completion is a completion... no judgment allowed here. About two weekends ago, Carol's little brother, Jason, was home for a Saturday night. Mind you, he had JUST turned the big 2-1 a Thursday before. The only proper way to celebrate my pseudo little brother's big birthday was to take his butt out drinking. So that's exactly what we did. Little did we know that this night would not only end up in havoc due to the multiple Irish Car Bombs, Jaegar Bombs, Kamikazes, Gummi Bears, etc., you name it, we drank it that night. However, after all the alcohol consumption that we did, it didn't seem to stop us from the gangsta rapping, flow spitting, shit talking that happened in the car the whole ride home... which ironically, I do not seem to have any recollection of. Ah well. What can you do? But was that the end of the night? No. In many cases, a typical night of a Carol and Elaine (C Pop and Back End hahahaha) outing would consist of drinks, drunken fun times, a fun car ride home and would definitely result to the both of us passed out in bed and waking up the sounds of each other painful hangovers the next morning. However, apparently, this night, we both thought it would be fun to act like we were 21 all over again. Yeah, not a good idea. We ended up at one of Jason's friends house, hanging out until about 5:30am. I definitely realized I was out of my age zone when Carol and I were approached with the question, "Oh, did you guys graduate in 07 too?????!!!!" Our response? "Yeah, COLLEGE!" Sad.

On the way home (we left Jason there, young people like that don't seem to ever get tired), we got really hungry and made a pit stop at our favorite, disgustingly delicious place, McDonald's. Oh good ol' McDonald's at 6:00am. There we sat in the parking lot, watching the sunrise in my little egg, called the Prius. We watched the sunrise, realized that we had been partying way too hard for our own good, felt our bodies start to give in and came to the conclusion that it was time to go home. Not exactly the greatest idea of all time, but nevertheless, an interesting way to know that we still can hang with them young'uns and a success to one of my goals! :) My body sure did pay for it for the next 2 days. Ouch.

43. Eat at Phil's new restaurant in Boston, East by Northeast

This past weekend, my family and I decided to take a weekend long trip to Boston to meet up with some family and all go visit Phillip Tang, my extremely talented cousin who just opened up a restaurant in Boston called East by Northeast. His restaurant is a small, quaint, cozy little restaurant, seating approximately 25 people at a time. The food served is a selection of different Chinese dishes with his own French twist on them. All I can say is amazing. It's great to see one of my cousins finally get to live his dream. I can't wait until I get to go back again when the menu changes in Spring! Well, I hope so that is. Since Boston's weather decided to be extremely mean to me and decided to rain the whole entire weekend that I was there. Maybe next time, Boston will be kinder. Overall, it was still a great trip. Great food and time with the family??? Couldn't have asked for better. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, look at the creeper girl who decided to smile in my picture while I was taking a picture of the restaurant. Great.

44. Quit smoking

Don't do it. Don't think about it. Don't smoke. Haha. So far? So good. It's been about 7 days since my last cigarette and amazingly, I feel good and the cravings aren't too bad. The first 72 hours were probably the hardest ever. My lungs were kicking out that wonderful tar its been building up for the last 5 years, so working out was really difficult. I felt like it was harder to breathe now that I wasn't smoking than when I actually was. I almost wanted to light up just so I could breathe normally again. I did not! It's only been 7 days and counting, but I have been good. Even when I had a beer over the weekend, I refrained from buying cigarettes and bumming from someone. Yay. This has been a long awaited goal of mine and hopefully I will be a quitter for life.

I must say, it does feel pretty damn good to smell good all the time and have no hint of the smell of cigarettes anywhere on your body. Especially your fingers! On my way to work the other day, I did not light up a cigarette, I didn't have any for one and well, I was trying to quit. When I got to work that day, I stepped out of my little egg, and the wind blew my hair across my face and I smelled the delicious scent of my shampoo from my just washed hair. Well, it was fabulous. It's nice to smell delicious rather than smell like the poo smell of cigarettes.

Hopefully, day 7 will turn into day forever. We shall see.


So these are my updates so far. Maybe in a few more weeks, I'll have more to update! We'll see!

i'm in love...

Meet Cara Elaine Chang, born January 31st at 7:56pm - 7 lbs, 3 oz, 20.5 inches... a complete beauty the moment she was born. So this my niece... and some people might say that I think she's absolutely gorgeous because she's my family, and I'll tell you go to hell, because she is absolutely gorgeous, not just because she's my niece. It's the truth.

So I can now honestly say that love at first sight does exist. I never knew it was possible to lay your eyes on a single person, and know immediately that you are head over heels and incredibly in love. But I knew. The moment Cara was rolled out of the room and I saw her, I knew. It's incredible to have that feeling of the most innocent and pure love there is out there. I can only imagine what my brother and sister in law feel for her when they look at her. It's crazy what such an innocent baby (and beautiful!) can do to people. Nothing is stronger than family love.

I'm officially an auntie! I never thought I would be this excited about it. All I want to do is spend all my time with her and hold her and take pictures of her and tell her I love her all the time. Haha. I'm pathetic.